Day One: Face Yourself

Go ahead and face yourself, once and for all. Look in the mirror. What expression do you see staring back at you? A happy one? A sad one? Suspicious? Angry? If you’ve got something nasty to say, get it off your chest now. Then let it go. You’ve chosen the path of self-support, so the criticisms – for right now – don’t matter anymore.

Day Two: Exercise Your Ego

Look you in the mirror again, only this time, be prepared to turn your words around. Remember the old saying in school? Three put-ups for one put-down? Put that into effect in your bathroom. Every negative thing you said yesterday needs to be refuted, replaced and erased by three good things you see in yourself.

And yes, you do have to say them out loud. We want you to remember what compliments sound like. We want you to differentiate between the honest comments spoken aloud, and the negative inner dialogue that holds you back out of fear.

Day Three: Keep the Music Alive

Sometimes, what’s inside your head can drown out all the good in the world. Train yourself to do the opposite. Listen to some of your favorite songs, and play them in your head whenever those negative voices kick in. If you’re angry, play an intense song in your head. Prong. Pink Floyd. Napalm Death. If you’re sad, a little Dave Matthews Band may do the trick.

Force yourself to think in emotions versus words, because too often the words we choose don’t really talk about how we feel. They avoid feeling out of the fear of pain and skip straight to criticism.

The most important step to being confident is to believe that you’re worthy of being confident. This can require an entire change in your mindset until you’re truly happy with the person you’ve become. It might not be easy, and it might not be a quick change, but it’s well worth the effort.

Self-talk is one form of building confidence through positive thinking. Positive affirmations can replace negative thoughts in your mind and lead to a better self-image. You must get in the habit of praising yourself for a job well done, for trying something new or for any other behavior that you would like to encourage.

It might seem silly at first to constantly tell yourself, “Way to go!” every time you do your job, but you need to focus on this kind of self-talk until thinking positively about yourself becomes a habit.

A more visual form of positive self-talk is to make a written list of your best qualities. Really take your time and write down every single positive thing about yourself, from the aspects of your appearance you feel proudest of, to the activities you do best. When you’ve finished your list, store it somewhere safe but easy to find. Whenever you start feeling down and defeated, simply pull out your list and replace the negative thoughts with your list of great qualities.

Creative visualization is a popular technique that helps people achieve their goals. The idea of visualization is that you repeatedly envision a desired outcome. In a way, it’s a form of focused daydreaming. If you were a basketball player, you would visualize yourself sinking a free throw with perfect form. If you’re working to improve your self-confidence, you would want to visualize some action that embodies confidence for you. Perhaps it would be giving a speech or being a social butterfly at a gala event. Some suggest that you should make some small movement while visualizing, like touching two fingers together, in order to imprint the feeling that comes along with the vision. Then later you can bring the desired feeling to the forefront by repeating the movement. The larger idea, though, is that the visualization is a form of practice for the outcome you would like to see.

Self-confident: I’ve got my piloting license, and with practice I can fly my own plane.

Self-doubting: Even though I have my piloting license, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fly on my own.

Self-deluded: Now that I’ve mastered this video game, I’ll be the best pirate flier in the sky.

Most people are particularly confident in one area, while not so much in another. That’s hard to imagine in these days of actors who sing and write and resurrect UNICEF. You might feel like you have nothing going for yourself, but remember, with money and contacts, most anything is possible.

You’re good at many things, but could always use improvement in areas too.

Are You Self-Confident?

Quick! Before you do anything else, list 10 things you do well.

Once your list is done, read through it with a smile on your face. Say everything out loud. Celebrate them. Embrace the truth. Right now you’re experiencing the very first step:

Self-confident people know they do wonderful things.

Maybe this part was easy for you because you already know you’re great in so many ways. Good for you!

Now that you’ve sung your praises, make another list. This time write down at least five ways in which you could improve.

Note, I didn’t say, “Five things you hate about yourself,” or “Five things you should have done a long time ago.” Nope. Just five simple ways you could work harder, be more responsible (or let your hair down), etc.

Self-confident people love themselves enough to want to improve their actions, and their lives.

An action can be many things. It can be eating healthier meals, or dating more respectful people. It can be taking a second job, or planning a vacation. Everyone has opportunities to take actions that improve their lives. What are yours?

The Diagnosis is a Starting Point

Some people’s disabilities are obvious. They can’t hear. They can’t see. They have a deformity that keeps them, physically, from completing a task. Others are trickier to pin down, and easily misdiagnosed.

People who feel unable to perform normal tasks because of physical or emotional traits need to get to a doctor and figure their problems out.

Jessica put off going to the doctor because she thought she was just tired. Then one day she couldn’t pick up her son. A trip to the doctor confirmed she was suffering from muscular dystrophy, and her problems were only just starting.

Instead of giving up, Jessica used the time that she had to prepare herself for success during the worst of her illness.

Use your diagnosis as a way to plan for future obstacles, as well as ways to deal with them. You cannot possibly for see every problem you might come across, but you can track down the most common elements and devise multiple plans of attack.

Trying New Things

If you’re disabled, you might find yourself avoiding new things out of the fear of drawing attention to yourself or putting someone else through an inconvenience. There are things you can put in place to keep from feeling so nervous.

Teen Girls

Girls are much more likely than boys to become depressed, delve into self-destructive behaviors and damage their futures because of low self-esteem. The easiest way to help them develop a healthy self-image is by encouraging them to try and master new things. Of course, you’ll have to make sure they are listening first – and to you, not the cell phone.

Talk with your daughters. Talk to your teen girls every day, just like when they were back in grade. “What was the hardest class you had today?” “Have you studied WWII yet in American History?” “How did the scrimmage go in basketball?”

Maybe you’re looking at that list of questions and asking yourself, “which classes are my kids in at school?” If you’ve completely withdrawn from your child’s life, now is the time to get reacquainted. Meet with your child’s principal or school counselor. Find out what classes she’s taking and what extracurriculars she’s in.

Toss the grades out the window. Parents, it’s time to admit that short list of letters exists mainly for us. A, B, C, D … they don’t demonstrate how hard our kids work in class, just how many answers they get right. They might have worked hard studying, but they also might have had a lucky guess.

You can’t test effort, but you can see it. Get involved with your daughter’s friends and her academics by offering to host club meetings and study groups. Being involved with your teen girl, and particularly being a good listener, will help her feel supported and secure.

Some people who are labeled “shy” are actually introverts. Introverts draw their energy from within themselves rather than from interacting with others. So while an extrovert is making the rounds at an event, the introvert may sit in the corner, observing and thinking about the interesting qualities of the guests around him.

Actual shyness involves more of a feeling of fear. Shy people may not sit back because they prefer to observe; they will sit back because they are afraid of being rejected by others or from similar feelings.

In some cases, shyness is actually a sign of a deeper problem like social anxiety. If your shyness is debilitating, then you may wish to disregard all other advice and seek out a mental health professional to discuss helpful therapies.

One of the keys to being confident in any situation is to be happy with yourself.

If you’re perfectly content with being shy and quiet, there’s no need to change anything, and you’re sure to be a confident person.

If you’re secure in your shyness, you may want to get your friends and family on board to help maintain your confidence. Well-meaning relatives will often try to force a shy person into conversation or otherwise put him on the spot, making him increasingly uncomfortable. The more that other people treat you like there’s something wrong with you, the more likely you are to start to lose confidence and agree with their perception. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are.

If you feel like your shyness really is impeding your ability to be happy and confident, then you should commit yourself to decreasing your level of shyness.

One vital step to improving your self-confidence is to remove all the negative influences and naysayers from your life. You will never gain a better view of yourself and your positive attributes if someone is constantly putting you down, making fun of you, making you do things you aren’t proud of, or being abusive. If someone is actually abusive, remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible. Get professional help if necessary. If someone is simply being unkind and uncaring, talking about it may help. Sit down with the other person and have an honest discussion with her about how you feel. Tell the other person how much it hurts you to hear her make derogatory comments about you. She may try to laugh it all off as a joke, but persist in saying that you are being serious about the issue. It may be difficult to let someone go if they have been your friend for years, or even worse, if you’re married to them. In the end, though, your self-confidence is worth more than a broken relationship, isn’t it?

Once you’ve removed others’ negativity from your life, it’s time to sit down and have a good look at your own negative thoughts. Are you your own worst enemy? Do you constantly tell yourself that you’re not good enough, smart enough or pretty enough to accomplish your goals? Do you compare yourself to impossible standards, like millionaires and movie stars? Do you put yourself down for making even the simplest mistakes? Do you let nagging doubts keep you from doing something you really want to do? Remove these defeatist thoughts from your mind for an instant confidence boost.

If your job is weighing down your self-confidence, then it may be time for a career change. If your problem is with your boss or the overall corporate climate, then you may just need to change jobs. If you dread coming to work because you hate the more fundamental aspects of your position like the job duties, it may be time to look into entering a completely different field.

Bullies can cause a child’s self-confidence to plummet with their constant teasing and torment. First, you should teach your child some tactics for dealing with bullies, such as ignoring the bully and telling an adult. While some children may feel that they’re “tattling,” it’s important for an adult to know that bullying is going on at the school, daycare or other location. If the problem doesn’t stop, be ready to press for a solution. Instead of just complaining, though, consider talking to your child’s school about the feasibility of starting a school-wide anti-bullying program. You might feel hesitant going that far, but it’s worth doing it for the sake of all the bullied children at the school, and even for the sake of the bullies who aren’t learning the proper way to relate to others.

While the very idea of a bully can bring up unpleasant thoughts and memories for parents, they need to be aware that friends can cause just as much heartbreak as bullies for young children. Whether they’re keeping an uncoordinated child out of the recess soccer game or telling secrets in the restroom, friends have the power to lower your son or daughter’s confidence.

You can help by discussing what makes a good friend with your child. This may help keep him away from those who are only out to use or hurt him. If a problem is ongoing, you may want to bring up your concerns with the classroom teacher or with the parents of the offending children.

You may wish to help your child work on conflict resolution skills. You can work through potential situations through role play and discuss the best way to deal with the conflicts that are bound to arise at school or when hanging out with friends. Your child will be happier in the long run, and will also feel more confident in herself for being able to handle small arguments without having to run to an adult for help.

The personal benefits of being self confident before entering into any sort of relationship include being able to hold your own, offering your best possible self to the partnership and being less likely to get drawn into unhealthy relationships. Even in relationships that you didn’t choose, such as those with family members, self-confidence can avoid conflicts and unpleasant feelings.

Family relationships color every aspect of the person you become. Luckily, most people have a healthy relationship and enjoy the company of their family. If there’s a distant relative that they don’t really like, they can bite their tongue during Thanksgiving dinner. Some family relationships aren’t that pleasant, though. If a family member is manipulative, demeaning or abusive, it can be hard to step out from under their control. It’s never too late to be confident and stand up for yourself in an unpleasant situation. Sometimes you can accomplish change through a family meeting and a frank discussion of the problem. Sometimes it might mean maintaining your distance and walking away from a family gathering.

Whether you’re new to the dating scene or a world-weary veteran, confidence is an essential tool for seeking a romantic relationship. Confidence is attractive. When you have self-confidence, you’re also less likely to put yourself in situations that could lead to trouble. A lack of confidence could lead to minor problems like never doing what you like on a date because you don’t think that your interests are exciting. A lack of confidence could also lead to more threatening situations like getting involved with manipulative or abusive partners.

Those who have verbal/linguistic intelligence are adept at dealing with the written and spoken word.

People with musical intelligence best learn and express themselves through music, rhythm and dance.

Logical/mathematical intelligence is evident in number and computational skills. Patterns and logic come easily to these learners.

Those with visual/spatial intelligence have an excellent perception of their location and/or orientation in regards to other objects and show keen visual awareness.

Body/kinesthetic intelligence leads to excellence in the areas of coordination and physical activity.

A person with intrapersonal intelligence is self-aware and reflective. Interpersonal intelligence allows for good communication and working well with others.

People who display naturalist intelligence are at their finest when observing nature and trying to reach understandings of their observations.

Therefore, this is fine to tell a bunch of teachers, but what does it have to do with everyday life and especially self-confidence? The foundation of adult self-confidence is created at an early age. What if you spent your entire school life feeling like you couldn’t measure up? That you were never good at the things your teachers asked you to do. It’s easy to see how such feelings could leave someone with low self-confidence that could stay with them later in life.

Most school assignments and standardized tests are set up to reward students with verbal/linguistic skills. Intrapersonal skills come into play when teachers ask students to reflect on an experience, often resulting in a writing prompt like, “Write about a time when you…” Interpersonal skills are useful for group work, but with the wrong teacher, you may never get a chance to display those skills while filling out worksheets at your desk. Some intelligences would be useful in specific classes, such as body/kinesthetic abilities in gym class. But try to use those skills when it’s time to read a story, and you’ll probably get sent to the principal’s office.