Day One: Face Yourself

Go ahead and face yourself, once and for all. Look in the mirror. What expression do you see staring back at you? A happy one? A sad one? Suspicious? Angry? If you’ve got something nasty to say, get it off your chest now. Then let it go. You’ve chosen the path of self-support, so the criticisms – for right now – don’t matter anymore.

Day Two: Exercise Your Ego

Look you in the mirror again, only this time, be prepared to turn your words around. Remember the old saying in school? Three put-ups for one put-down? Put that into effect in your bathroom. Every negative thing you said yesterday needs to be refuted, replaced and erased by three good things you see in yourself.

And yes, you do have to say them out loud. We want you to remember what compliments sound like. We want you to differentiate between the honest comments spoken aloud, and the negative inner dialogue that holds you back out of fear.

Day Three: Keep the Music Alive

Sometimes, what’s inside your head can drown out all the good in the world. Train yourself to do the opposite. Listen to some of your favorite songs, and play them in your head whenever those negative voices kick in. If you’re angry, play an intense song in your head. Prong. Pink Floyd. Napalm Death. If you’re sad, a little Dave Matthews Band may do the trick.

Force yourself to think in emotions versus words, because too often the words we choose don’t really talk about how we feel. They avoid feeling out of the fear of pain and skip straight to criticism.

Bullies can cause a child’s self-confidence to plummet with their constant teasing and torment. First, you should teach your child some tactics for dealing with bullies, such as ignoring the bully and telling an adult. While some children may feel that they’re “tattling,” it’s important for an adult to know that bullying is going on at the school, daycare or other location. If the problem doesn’t stop, be ready to press for a solution. Instead of just complaining, though, consider talking to your child’s school about the feasibility of starting a school-wide anti-bullying program. You might feel hesitant going that far, but it’s worth doing it for the sake of all the bullied children at the school, and even for the sake of the bullies who aren’t learning the proper way to relate to others.

While the very idea of a bully can bring up unpleasant thoughts and memories for parents, they need to be aware that friends can cause just as much heartbreak as bullies for young children. Whether they’re keeping an uncoordinated child out of the recess soccer game or telling secrets in the restroom, friends have the power to lower your son or daughter’s confidence.

You can help by discussing what makes a good friend with your child. This may help keep him away from those who are only out to use or hurt him. If a problem is ongoing, you may want to bring up your concerns with the classroom teacher or with the parents of the offending children.

You may wish to help your child work on conflict resolution skills. You can work through potential situations through role play and discuss the best way to deal with the conflicts that are bound to arise at school or when hanging out with friends. Your child will be happier in the long run, and will also feel more confident in herself for being able to handle small arguments without having to run to an adult for help.

The personal benefits of being self confident before entering into any sort of relationship include being able to hold your own, offering your best possible self to the partnership and being less likely to get drawn into unhealthy relationships. Even in relationships that you didn’t choose, such as those with family members, self-confidence can avoid conflicts and unpleasant feelings.

Family relationships color every aspect of the person you become. Luckily, most people have a healthy relationship and enjoy the company of their family. If there’s a distant relative that they don’t really like, they can bite their tongue during Thanksgiving dinner. Some family relationships aren’t that pleasant, though. If a family member is manipulative, demeaning or abusive, it can be hard to step out from under their control. It’s never too late to be confident and stand up for yourself in an unpleasant situation. Sometimes you can accomplish change through a family meeting and a frank discussion of the problem. Sometimes it might mean maintaining your distance and walking away from a family gathering.

Whether you’re new to the dating scene or a world-weary veteran, confidence is an essential tool for seeking a romantic relationship. Confidence is attractive. When you have self-confidence, you’re also less likely to put yourself in situations that could lead to trouble. A lack of confidence could lead to minor problems like never doing what you like on a date because you don’t think that your interests are exciting. A lack of confidence could also lead to more threatening situations like getting involved with manipulative or abusive partners.

Those who have verbal/linguistic intelligence are adept at dealing with the written and spoken word.

People with musical intelligence best learn and express themselves through music, rhythm and dance.

Logical/mathematical intelligence is evident in number and computational skills. Patterns and logic come easily to these learners.

Those with visual/spatial intelligence have an excellent perception of their location and/or orientation in regards to other objects and show keen visual awareness.

Body/kinesthetic intelligence leads to excellence in the areas of coordination and physical activity.

A person with intrapersonal intelligence is self-aware and reflective. Interpersonal intelligence allows for good communication and working well with others.

People who display naturalist intelligence are at their finest when observing nature and trying to reach understandings of their observations.

Therefore, this is fine to tell a bunch of teachers, but what does it have to do with everyday life and especially self-confidence? The foundation of adult self-confidence is created at an early age. What if you spent your entire school life feeling like you couldn’t measure up? That you were never good at the things your teachers asked you to do. It’s easy to see how such feelings could leave someone with low self-confidence that could stay with them later in life.

Most school assignments and standardized tests are set up to reward students with verbal/linguistic skills. Intrapersonal skills come into play when teachers ask students to reflect on an experience, often resulting in a writing prompt like, “Write about a time when you…” Interpersonal skills are useful for group work, but with the wrong teacher, you may never get a chance to display those skills while filling out worksheets at your desk. Some intelligences would be useful in specific classes, such as body/kinesthetic abilities in gym class. But try to use those skills when it’s time to read a story, and you’ll probably get sent to the principal’s office.

The most obvious source of confidence building in books comes from self-help titles. Whether your road to confidence includes losing weight, building better familial relationships or becoming more assertive, just to name a few, there’s a title out there for you. These motivational works often include detailed plans for turning your life around as well as inspirational stories and examples. While not every detail will work for you, they can provide a good base for your own personalized plan of attack.

Biographies and autobiographies bring the rich and famous to you. You can find out their secrets for success. Even if they don’t talk directly about the source of their confidence, you can draw inspiration from their achievements and the hard work they put into them. They may even admit that they really don’t feel that secure and confident, which can certainly make you feel better about yourself.

Why think poorly of yourself when you’re in a slump when even successful people don’t always feel confident? Just don’t use this as an excuse to stop working on your own confidence.

Memoirs are another source of true-life characters to emulate. Memoirs are often more literary in nature than autobiographies. Usually a writer publishes her memoir because she has faced compelling and universally-applicable struggles in her life. Sometimes memoirs can provide readers with a negative example of what not to do in seeking greater confidence.

You don’t need to confine yourself to true stories, though. You can draw confidence from the example of strong characters in even the most fantastical fiction. Simply look for the essential qualities that make a character confident or what is lacking in a character who does not display self-confidence.

Finding your own style is a great way to feel more confident about the clothes you wear. Look to fashion magazines, catalogues and your stylish friends and associates for inspiration, but then create a look that’s entirely your own.

Whether you prefer a tailored look or a hippie bohemian style, whatever makes you feel comfortable with yourself is the right choice.

There are times when you’ll need to ignore this personal style and wear clothes that are appropriate for a certain occasion. When you’re faced with such an event, or even if you have to do it every day for your job, find a way to make the required dress work for you, perhaps by adding your own style with subtle accessories. And if you just can’t think of a way to feel comfortable in a tuxedo or the lime green bridesmaid dress your friend selected, draw confidence from the fact that everyone around you feels the same way.

When it comes to clothes, the most important thing is to wear items that make you feel confident and avoid everything else. If you have a shirt that clings to your stomach and makes you feel incredibly fat, then the obvious answer is to not wear that shirt anymore. Too many people would continue to wear the shirt and feel their self-confidence drop every time they put it on. Find pieces that work with your body type and your best natural attributes. If you’re not sure how to do it, ask your most stylish friend or family member or find a full-service clothing store.

Denial is the refusal to be held accountable for your actions. The Blame Game. Pointing the finger. When you give the power of your life over to events and other people, there is no hope for improvement. There’s no ability to improve, and your skills are seen as worthless.

The Power of Responsibility

Self-confidence relies heavily on feeling good about your ability to change and improve your situation. Faith on yourself. People suffering from denial take themselves out of the question, and leave their lives up to others to fix.

It’s very hard to take back responsibility of your actions once you’ve given it away. In essence you say nothing you do does anything at all, so someone else must be doing things for you.

Giving responsibility over your life has some subtle benefits, for the right person. If you honestly believe nothing you do has consequences, you never feel guilty. That leads to a lot of confusion when your actions hurt someone, especially those close to you.

Giving responsibility to someone else also means you never have to worry about leaving your comfort zone. You can stay who you are, where you are, forever, and anything results – in your mind – was meant to happen to you.

Because people in denial do not believe they control their actions, they don’t focus on how what they do affects what they want. They’re often found sabotaging their own needs to fulfill the expectations of other people. The self-destructive behaviors that result will not end until the person takes back responsibility for their lives.

Taking it back

The first issue for anyone in denial to overcome is their sense of worthlessness. People don’t just give up their rights to get out of responsibility. They have a serious need of proof that they’re competent.

The first step to feeling confident about your job search is to let go of any lingering bad thoughts from the past. If you left your last position under unfavorable circumstances, don’t let this get you down. You should certainly look to your past mistakes to avoid repeating them, but if you truly want to change, it’s possible. You’ll never find your next new job if you let a former unpleasant experience influence your view of yourself, though.

If you feel like you have lingering problems that will get in the way of successfully finding a job, consider visiting a job counselor, career center or job bank. You’ll find professionals who can give you an honest assessment of your skills and abilities. They can set you on the right track to improvement and confidence.

As you set out on your job search, consider taking a class or learning a new skill for a boost of confidence. Now, just learning something new is enough to make you feel intelligent and vital, but it’s even better if your new endeavor is relevant to the field in which you would like to work. That’s not to discount the personal growth that can come from simply becoming more educated, but the benefits are more obvious if you can take Japanese language classes and then find a job with a tech firm with offices in Japan. You’ll feel more confident, and you’ll also create another selling point for yourself as a potential employee.

Your resume is the first step to creating a confident image as it’s the first impression potential employers have of you. You have to have faith in your past education, experiences and accomplishments. While you must always be truthful in a resume, this is not the time to be modest. Bragging about yourself requires a certain about of confidence, but it’s essential to getting the job. Employers want to see specific results, like “increased sales 75%,” from your past positions. Your word choice is important when constructing your resume as small doubts can come to light as lackluster wording and passive verbs.

Set Your Boundaries

We all have guidelines for behaviors we will and won’t accept. It’s unrealistic to think people will only make us happy all of the time, but with boundaries in place, you’ll deal with problems less.

It is okay to apply these boundaries to everyone. Your parents have no more right to abuse you than the bill collector. If you wouldn’t take treatment from a stranger without complaining, then make sure to stick up to the loved ones in your life too.

Lee lives about a block from her elderly mother, and every morning at 5:00 the phone starts to ring. The requests come non-stop until finally it’s time for her to go to work. By the time Lee gets home, there are several messages on her machine.

This constant barrage of responsibility is making Lee tired and angry. She wouldn’t accept this treatment from a bill collector, so why does she put up with it from mom? Guilt. Ever since her father died, Lee’s mother has been listless. Her daughter is afraid of what she might do without support.

Lee’s actions aren’t meeting up with her intentions. She wants to offer her mom love and caring, but her frustration starts to interfere. Their discussions now are short and snippy, and Lee’s mother is becoming even more insecure about her future.

Lee needs to figure out how many calls a day is right for her, and how many trips a week she can make for her mother. Not how many she should, but how many she can do without becoming resentful. That is what will make her mother feel unsupported, so that is the problem to be avoided.

Then, one day, new computers arrive into work, and out of the blue, he’s not so satisfied. Technology may be a weak spot, but one he mastered when the business was computerized years ago. What will he do now that he’s on the bottom rung of the ladder again?

Acknowledge What You Need

While programming and configuration may be way beyond what our friend has to offer, his bigger problem is a lack of confidence. After all, he won’t need to know how to program this computer. That’s already been done.

Sometimes we make jobs much bigger than they are as a way of diverting attention to our anxiety instead of trying to face our goals. Whenever you try something new, you run the risk of failing. Cut your anxiety down by pinpointing what you really have to do.

Our friend needs to learn how to use the programs on this new computer. That’s a big task all by itself. His first job though is figuring out how to turn it on. That’s a small job, and by acknowledging that task, and then completing it, he builds his confidence.

Always Think in Baby Steps

Your problem might be very simple. Maybe your teeth are on the darker side of yellow. You think, “My teeth look terrible. I want to make them whiter.” What does this entail?

Brushing more, drinking less tea, using bleaching agents that need to be picked up at the pharmacy? That’s a lot to accomplish in one fell swoop. If you stumble on one you may just give up on all of them. Break your task into baby steps.

Start with the most manageable task.

For our friend, that was turning on the computer. He looked around at the younger guys, the ones with more computer experience, and saw them pushing the circle in the corner of their keyboards. He did the same and the lights came on. Suddenly this doesn’t seem so hard.