The Diagnosis is a Starting Point

Some people’s disabilities are obvious. They can’t hear. They can’t see. They have a deformity that keeps them, physically, from completing a task. Others are trickier to pin down, and easily misdiagnosed.

People who feel unable to perform normal tasks because of physical or emotional traits need to get to a doctor and figure their problems out.

Jessica put off going to the doctor because she thought she was just tired. Then one day she couldn’t pick up her son. A trip to the doctor confirmed she was suffering from muscular dystrophy, and her problems were only just starting.

Instead of giving up, Jessica used the time that she had to prepare herself for success during the worst of her illness.

Use your diagnosis as a way to plan for future obstacles, as well as ways to deal with them. You cannot possibly for see every problem you might come across, but you can track down the most common elements and devise multiple plans of attack.

Trying New Things

If you’re disabled, you might find yourself avoiding new things out of the fear of drawing attention to yourself or putting someone else through an inconvenience. There are things you can put in place to keep from feeling so nervous.

Teen Girls

Girls are much more likely than boys to become depressed, delve into self-destructive behaviors and damage their futures because of low self-esteem. The easiest way to help them develop a healthy self-image is by encouraging them to try and master new things. Of course, you’ll have to make sure they are listening first – and to you, not the cell phone.

Talk with your daughters. Talk to your teen girls every day, just like when they were back in grade. “What was the hardest class you had today?” “Have you studied WWII yet in American History?” “How did the scrimmage go in basketball?”

Maybe you’re looking at that list of questions and asking yourself, “which classes are my kids in at school?” If you’ve completely withdrawn from your child’s life, now is the time to get reacquainted. Meet with your child’s principal or school counselor. Find out what classes she’s taking and what extracurriculars she’s in.

Toss the grades out the window. Parents, it’s time to admit that short list of letters exists mainly for us. A, B, C, D … they don’t demonstrate how hard our kids work in class, just how many answers they get right. They might have worked hard studying, but they also might have had a lucky guess.

You can’t test effort, but you can see it. Get involved with your daughter’s friends and her academics by offering to host club meetings and study groups. Being involved with your teen girl, and particularly being a good listener, will help her feel supported and secure.

Motivational speakers may seem cheesy and overly excited at first glance, but they may be able to provide you with just the push you need to feel more confident. Their specialty is in getting people pumped up, and isn’t that, in effect, what you need to do – get pumped up about yourself? You can attend a one-time speech or set off for a weekend seminar or conference. You can usually find CDs, tapes, DVDs or videos of the most popular motivational speakers, but you will lose something of the dynamics of a live performance. Still, this option may fit your budget better.

Life coaches are a relatively new offering in the motivational field. They aren’t licensed therapists; they are simply professionals who have taken it upon themselves to help others reach their full potential. Think of a life coach as having a highly motivated and inspirational friend on your side. Your life coach may meet with you in person or discuss your goals during phone consultations as they help you improve any area of your life, building your confidence.

One often forgotten resource in seeking counseling and guidance is religious professionals. If you follow a religion, you can turn to your priest, pastor, rabbi, deacon or other respect figure for advice. While most suggestions will naturally have a religious component to them, suggesting prayer and Bible study for instance, religious professionals are qualified to offer suggestions for any area of your life.

There are entire sections of self-help books in every bookstore. Even if a book doesn’t deal specifically with self-confidence, general tips on improving your life may still be helpful. You may also find that you have certain aspects of your personality or appearance that you feel the need to change before you can feel confident. There is sure to be a book related to your individual need. Some books offer specific plans and worksheets for achieving your goals, others provide inspirational stories of others who have achieved the intended goal, while the best combine the two.

1. Work on your conversational skills

Improving your conversational skills can help you feel more comfortable and confident in any social situation which will lead to larger confidence overall. If you practice maintaining eye contact and being a good listener, you will also give off a more confident aura and you can enjoy the benefits of being treated as a confident person.

2. Set goals

As with anything you want to achieve, building confidence will be easier if you set specific goals. Whether you want to be confident enough to be president of an organization or simply give a presentation at the next department meeting, you can then create an action plan for achieving this goal.

3. Get involved

When you become involved in an organization, project or committee, the new experiences, improved skills and chances for leadership and personal development can help improve confidence. Think about joining a professional organization, signing up for a committee at work or volunteering your time at a worthwhile organization.

4. Use positive imagery and self-talk

The road to self-confidence is primarily a mental exercise. Visualizing yourself as a confident person is one way to create a confident mentality. Positive affirmations are another way of building confidence. Tell yourself that you are a confident person and don’t give negative thoughts room to grow.

5. Seek professional help

Motivational speakers make their living from helping people make the most of their lives, which often involves helping their listeners build confidence. If you can’t attend a seminar in person, many speakers also offer DVDs and CDs of their motivational performances. Numerous self-help books are also available that can lead you to helpful strategies for building confidence. Life coaches provide one-on-one help to assist customers in reaching their potential. If there are more deep-seated issues getting in the way of feeling confident, you may wish to look into counseling or psychiatric help. Depression and other illnesses can decimate your self-confidence, and simply thinking positive thoughts or attending a motivational talk aren’t enough to feel better.

Teenagers who do well in school tend to feel more confident. Keep on top of your teen’s homework. Set aside a time and place for completing assignments every night. If your teen has difficulties or needs help working to her potential, look into tutoring programs or learning centers. She may fight it, but she’ll appreciate the boost in the long run.

Being involved in extracurricular activities is a surefire way to build self-confidence. While specific possibilities vary from school to school, there’s a little something for everyone. The musically-inclined will want to try out marching band or choir while your family’s Trivial Pursuit champion may want to join the quiz bowl team. Clubs and teams give teens an instant peer group, allow them to experience the satisfaction of working with others towards a goal, and often help them develop leadership skills. Every aspect of the experience lends itself to increased confidence.

If your teen isn’t interested in any of the clubs or sports offered at school, look for activities in the community. Weekly dance classes, riding lessons or martial arts training will help your teen gain confidence as he learns perseverance, dedication and hard work, skills that will stay with him long after the specifics of technique are lost.

Volunteering is another extracurricular option. Some high school clubs, such as National Honor Society and Key Club, focus on community service, but it’s also possible to approach an organization like the humane society or a senior center and ask if they need any help. Encourage your teen to find an organization or cause she is truly interested in, but don’t force it. Compulsory volunteering is no longer truly volunteering. It becomes a chore and many of the “feel good” benefits can be diminished.

Battling General Depression

Everyone faces depression from time to time. The Blues. Melancholy. That feeling that you’re sad to day and, for whatever reason, it feels good.

The great outdoors is a cure-all for a host of problems, and general depression can be one of them. If you feel down and out, get outdoors. Even if you are just breathing deeply and walking around the block, the exposure to the air, the sun, and the people will be good for your soul.

Exercise plays an important role in keeping your spirits up. Not only does it get you off the couch (and away from those dour made for TV movies) but it increases circulation and gets more oxygen into your blood. Hormones are released that help you feel good, and provide your brain with a natural anti-depressant.

Drinking water and eating fresh fruits may not have an immediate impact, but doing something good for your health will improve your feelings about yourself. The same goes for your appearance. Shaving, styling your hair, wearing a clean shirt and brushing your teeth – forcing yourself to care just for you for a change – reminds you that you’re worth putting a little time into.

Add to that, hanging out with friends or watching a good comedy can make you laugh and raise your spirits almost instantly. It’s hard to focus on the negative when there’s a smile plastered on your face … then again, some people are really persistent. There’s another good trait for your list of abilities!

All joking aside, sometimes nothing seems to help lift the fog surrounding you. Your nights get longer, or disappear all together, to be replaced by naps frequently throughout the day. You may feel sick and achy with no physical cause. You may become paranoid, or anxious in social situations.

Surprisingly, bullies may actually have low self confidence. They pick on others who are weaker to make them feel better about themselves. This isn’t always the case, though. Sometimes bullies have so much self-confidence that they can’t possibly fathom why what they are doing is wrong. Most victims of bullies, however, firmly fall in the camp of low confidence. And if they don’t have little self-confidence to begin with, they will soon see their confidence diminish in the face of constant attacks.

Now why is it that bullies tend to pick on people who already display low self-confidence? Can bullies smell fear? In some cases, yes, bullies can pick up on nervous body language, but bullies are also likely to try to pick on anyone. Victims who stand up for themselves and don’t give bullies the reaction they seek won’t be picked on a second time.

If your child is the victim of bullying, you’ll want to do everything you can to prevent her self-confidence from being permanently affected. If you’re afraid that your child wouldn’t tell you if she were being bullied, look for sudden changes in her behavior or suspicious cuts or bruises that may signal trouble at school.

Teach your child what to do if a bully confronts him. An important lesson for everyone to remember is that bullying is solely a matter of power, but bullies only have as much power as you allow them to have. A confident and self-assured child won’t allow a bully to take power from them.

You’ve studied your strengths. You’ve uncovered your likes and dislikes. You chose the direction you wanted to go, and took time setting your goals. You even took baby steps, successfully, and you believe you can do it!

Where did it all that effort go?

Failure, it happens to everyone. The trick is taking the results to make your next attempt a huge success.

But, Now that you’ve tried, and failed, to change your first real issue, what should you do now?

Acknowledging Your Failure

The pain of defeat takes no prisoners. You may feel devastated, or embarrassed and shy to trying again. It’s okay to take a moment and lick your wounds. Be angry. Care enough to figure out what went wrong.

Study your outcome. Was your Attempt a complete failure? What impact, if any, did it have on your goal?

Were You Realistic?

You obviously had faith in yourself, but were you ready for the challenge? Did our actions support our intentions? Looking back, did you set yourself up to fail? Or was your failure a sign that you’re headed in the right direction?

Did You Follow Through?

The excitement of change, of being active, of improvement can make a person do the craziest things. Do you throw caution to the wind and jump in unprepared? Did you follow your plan or make any last minute adjustments?

This is the time to be honest with yourself. You spend effort and energy on preparations. If you don’t follow your plans, it may mean you’re not ready.

Consider Your Abilities

Did your plan fail because you couldn’t or chose not to follow through? You may be in need of more confidence building. Remember. Baby steps, though small and seemingly insignificant, can be extremely helpful.

Think about the last time your self-confidence hit a low. Maybe a co-worker got the promotion you had been hoping for or a relationship ended. Remember all of the feelings that got in the way of a positive self-image. When you are faced with those moments, you need a way to get all of those bad feelings out. Writing can be the perfect way to clear your mind and increase your confidence.

Writing a journal can be a cathartic experience, meaning that it allows you to release pent-up emotions. Dwelling on unpleasant feelings can be a vicious confidence killer.

You do not need any special materials to begin a journal. Grab a few sheets of loose-leaf paper and a pen and start writing. You can also sit down at your computer, open a new document and start typing. The important thing is to get those feelings down on paper.

If you think it would help you get in the habit of writing about your feelings, you may want to spring for an actual diary or at the very least a notebook or composition book that will keep your thoughts in order. Stop by the local bookstore and purchase a high-quality bound blank journal because your journey to self-confidence is worth the extra expense.

In the past year or two, blogs have increasingly taken the place of the traditional lock-and-key diary, but you want to be careful if you are using an online forum for venting. When your little brother found your diary and read that you hated your teacher, you were just annoyed. If your boss found your blog and read that you hated him, you might be unemployed.

Despite the potential pitfalls, one advantage of writing your feelings in a blog or other online venue is that you can receive instant feedback from your readers, building confidence when they commiserate with your problems and support you in your accomplishments.

At the same time they are still seen as the caretakers in our communities, and usually in our lives. Mothers stay home when the children are sick. It’s not uncommon for women to work a full-time job alongside their partners and come home to face the brunt of the cooking and housework.

Because of these reasons, many women are perfectionists and overachievers, unable to face failure but hemmed in by the failure of not being involved. This leaves little room for the positive acceptance of what one does well, and the realistic expectations of what needs improving.

This also leads to a bigger problem among women where they first degrade themselves internally, then cut down their peers in an attempt to level the playing field. Female friendship dynamics can be truly terrifying. In Japan, for instance, one woman become obsessed with the success of her friend’s daughter to the point of killing the child to prove the other parents weren’t doing enough to protect her. That’s an extreme case, but women kill each other in all kinds of subtler ways.

How Criticism Hurts Self-Confidence

This seems like a no-brainer. When someone degrades your ability to do things, including how well you present yourself, you don’t feel positive about your abilities. You don’t grow self-confident in those environments, though you may feel the push to succeed to prove someone else wrong. Outward confidence means very little in terms of how you feel about yourself.

What surprises most people is the effect their criticism of others affects their own self-confidence. The high of feeling better than one person is quickly followed by the doubt of how you compare against someone else. There will always be someone more beautiful, talented, or “giving”. To be truly self-confident, and able to enjoy your life, you must be willing to accept your abilities on their own, without stacking them up to someone else’s.