Day One: Face Yourself

Go ahead and face yourself, once and for all. Look in the mirror. What expression do you see staring back at you? A happy one? A sad one? Suspicious? Angry? If you’ve got something nasty to say, get it off your chest now. Then let it go. You’ve chosen the path of self-support, so the criticisms – for right now – don’t matter anymore.

Day Two: Exercise Your Ego

Look you in the mirror again, only this time, be prepared to turn your words around. Remember the old saying in school? Three put-ups for one put-down? Put that into effect in your bathroom. Every negative thing you said yesterday needs to be refuted, replaced and erased by three good things you see in yourself.

And yes, you do have to say them out loud. We want you to remember what compliments sound like. We want you to differentiate between the honest comments spoken aloud, and the negative inner dialogue that holds you back out of fear.

Day Three: Keep the Music Alive

Sometimes, what’s inside your head can drown out all the good in the world. Train yourself to do the opposite. Listen to some of your favorite songs, and play them in your head whenever those negative voices kick in. If you’re angry, play an intense song in your head. Prong. Pink Floyd. Napalm Death. If you’re sad, a little Dave Matthews Band may do the trick.

Force yourself to think in emotions versus words, because too often the words we choose don’t really talk about how we feel. They avoid feeling out of the fear of pain and skip straight to criticism.

Self-confident: I’ve got my piloting license, and with practice I can fly my own plane.

Self-doubting: Even though I have my piloting license, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fly on my own.

Self-deluded: Now that I’ve mastered this video game, I’ll be the best pirate flier in the sky.

Most people are particularly confident in one area, while not so much in another. That’s hard to imagine in these days of actors who sing and write and resurrect UNICEF. You might feel like you have nothing going for yourself, but remember, with money and contacts, most anything is possible.

You’re good at many things, but could always use improvement in areas too.

Are You Self-Confident?

Quick! Before you do anything else, list 10 things you do well.

Once your list is done, read through it with a smile on your face. Say everything out loud. Celebrate them. Embrace the truth. Right now you’re experiencing the very first step:

Self-confident people know they do wonderful things.

Maybe this part was easy for you because you already know you’re great in so many ways. Good for you!

Now that you’ve sung your praises, make another list. This time write down at least five ways in which you could improve.

Note, I didn’t say, “Five things you hate about yourself,” or “Five things you should have done a long time ago.” Nope. Just five simple ways you could work harder, be more responsible (or let your hair down), etc.

Self-confident people love themselves enough to want to improve their actions, and their lives.

An action can be many things. It can be eating healthier meals, or dating more respectful people. It can be taking a second job, or planning a vacation. Everyone has opportunities to take actions that improve their lives. What are yours?

Some people who are labeled “shy” are actually introverts. Introverts draw their energy from within themselves rather than from interacting with others. So while an extrovert is making the rounds at an event, the introvert may sit in the corner, observing and thinking about the interesting qualities of the guests around him.

Actual shyness involves more of a feeling of fear. Shy people may not sit back because they prefer to observe; they will sit back because they are afraid of being rejected by others or from similar feelings.

In some cases, shyness is actually a sign of a deeper problem like social anxiety. If your shyness is debilitating, then you may wish to disregard all other advice and seek out a mental health professional to discuss helpful therapies.

One of the keys to being confident in any situation is to be happy with yourself.

If you’re perfectly content with being shy and quiet, there’s no need to change anything, and you’re sure to be a confident person.

If you’re secure in your shyness, you may want to get your friends and family on board to help maintain your confidence. Well-meaning relatives will often try to force a shy person into conversation or otherwise put him on the spot, making him increasingly uncomfortable. The more that other people treat you like there’s something wrong with you, the more likely you are to start to lose confidence and agree with their perception. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are.

If you feel like your shyness really is impeding your ability to be happy and confident, then you should commit yourself to decreasing your level of shyness.

Set Your Boundaries

We all have guidelines for behaviors we will and won’t accept. It’s unrealistic to think people will only make us happy all of the time, but with boundaries in place, you’ll deal with problems less.

It is okay to apply these boundaries to everyone. Your parents have no more right to abuse you than the bill collector. If you wouldn’t take treatment from a stranger without complaining, then make sure to stick up to the loved ones in your life too.

Lee lives about a block from her elderly mother, and every morning at 5:00 the phone starts to ring. The requests come non-stop until finally it’s time for her to go to work. By the time Lee gets home, there are several messages on her machine.

This constant barrage of responsibility is making Lee tired and angry. She wouldn’t accept this treatment from a bill collector, so why does she put up with it from mom? Guilt. Ever since her father died, Lee’s mother has been listless. Her daughter is afraid of what she might do without support.

Lee’s actions aren’t meeting up with her intentions. She wants to offer her mom love and caring, but her frustration starts to interfere. Their discussions now are short and snippy, and Lee’s mother is becoming even more insecure about her future.

Lee needs to figure out how many calls a day is right for her, and how many trips a week she can make for her mother. Not how many she should, but how many she can do without becoming resentful. That is what will make her mother feel unsupported, so that is the problem to be avoided.

Why?

Perfectionism. Amy takes note of her positives, but has a hard time seeing acknowledging where she could improve. She avoids possibilities to avoid failures. It’s a habit which is having a serious effect on her quality of life, her son’s life, and her small business.

For more than a year, Amy has been discussion a distribution deal with two national buyers. Because she cannot fathom failure, she conveniently avoids setting these meetings up. She cannot improve her life, and consequently is stuck feeling unsuccessful.

Instead of being down on herself, she notes her abilities and avoids the rest. For someone like Amy the tiniest baby steps imaginable are needed in the directions she needs to go. Perfectionists excel at many areas of their lives. It’s the ones they don’t pay attention to that are the struggle.

What Do You Want?

Even perfectionists have dreams. Amy wants to own a home with a fenced-in yard her son can play in. In order to do that, she’ll need to sell much more or qualify for a mortgage. Unfortunately her ex-husband ruined her credit just before he took off.

It’s easy for her to say, “My business is already great, and my credit isn’t my fault. I can’t improve my situation.” This is where Amy needs to use her dreams to fuel her motivation … and boost her self-confidence.

Risking failure for a dream, particularly one that benefits those around you, is a worthy quest for any perfectionist. Making the decision to take on the challenge already lends them self-confidence.

If you’re not interested in a full degree program, check out a special certification, or even look into taking a single class on a topic that intrigues you. Community education classes can also offer condensed ways to learn popular topics like conversational foreign language skills and computer programs. You’ll feel better about yourself when you regularly expand your mind.

However, sometimes school itself causes problems with confidence. It certainly doesn’t boost your confidence if you fail a class or struggle every night with homework but never seem to get it. First, know that having trouble in school doesn’t make you less of a person. Even if others nag and complain, stay confident in your other good qualities while you work to improve your academic performance.

You don’t have to face your school problems alone. Seek out help to do your best in school. Your options for schoolwork assistance will vary depending on your age and the type of school you’re attending. If you’re a young student or you’re looking for help for your child, there will be many options offered by the school itself. Elementary schools offer pull-out programs for extra reading help, and middle schools may offer tutoring opportunities with high school volunteers.

At the high school level, the National Honor Society or other volunteers often set up tutoring programs. Some schools include a homeroom or study hall period during the day, and this is a great time to meet with a teacher for extra help. It may also be necessary to meet with a teacher during lunch or before or after school. It might not be fun, but it’s worth it to make progress and gain more confidence in your work.

Some people simply feel more comfortable when communicating through writing rather than speaking. Sometimes they’re shy or easily embarrassed. Sometimes they just prefer the chance to compose their thoughts before exposing them to the world. In other cases, a speech impediment or some other personal issue gets in the way of clearly community when speaking. In all of these examples, writing e-mails, sending instant messages and posting in forums gives them a chance to be a part of the conversations they may excuse themselves from in person.

Chatting and sending instant messages can be a good way to become more comfortable with friends and acquaintances. You can start with small talk and build up to more substantial conversations when you’ve gained confidence, or you can keep it light and talk about your shared love of heavy metal or Chihuahuas.

Forums and e-mail lists are another way to build self confidence by cultivating groups of friends who share common interests and tastes. You’ll naturally have something to talk about, removing one of the nagging doubts that can cause a lack of self confidence in the real world. You can also build confidence by seeing yourself as an expert in a subject when others come to you for advice.

It’s possible for computer users to discover skills they never knew they had when they journey into the online world. Some people are known for their talent with web design or graphics while others show amazing skill in playing multi-player online games. Making everyone’s favorite forum avatars isn’t necessarily a skill that will be rewarded at school or work, but it can lead to feelings of self-confidence nonetheless. In the case of transferable skills like web design, they may eventually lead to even more positive results like finding a new job that capitalizes on these interests.

Battling General Depression

Everyone faces depression from time to time. The Blues. Melancholy. That feeling that you’re sad to day and, for whatever reason, it feels good.

The great outdoors is a cure-all for a host of problems, and general depression can be one of them. If you feel down and out, get outdoors. Even if you are just breathing deeply and walking around the block, the exposure to the air, the sun, and the people will be good for your soul.

Exercise plays an important role in keeping your spirits up. Not only does it get you off the couch (and away from those dour made for TV movies) but it increases circulation and gets more oxygen into your blood. Hormones are released that help you feel good, and provide your brain with a natural anti-depressant.

Drinking water and eating fresh fruits may not have an immediate impact, but doing something good for your health will improve your feelings about yourself. The same goes for your appearance. Shaving, styling your hair, wearing a clean shirt and brushing your teeth – forcing yourself to care just for you for a change – reminds you that you’re worth putting a little time into.

Add to that, hanging out with friends or watching a good comedy can make you laugh and raise your spirits almost instantly. It’s hard to focus on the negative when there’s a smile plastered on your face … then again, some people are really persistent. There’s another good trait for your list of abilities!

All joking aside, sometimes nothing seems to help lift the fog surrounding you. Your nights get longer, or disappear all together, to be replaced by naps frequently throughout the day. You may feel sick and achy with no physical cause. You may become paranoid, or anxious in social situations.

Appreciate You Every Day of Your Life

You might be wondering what there is to appreciate, or maybe you associate your good points with something bad. Don’t discount your abilities. You may not be using them for the best things right now, but you can always change. Remember, baby steps make things possible.

Let’s look at Jay. He’s everyone’s favorite guy. Cute. Funny. Outwardly confident. Those traits got him a place with the local dealer supplying drugs to society’s upper crust, and he’s making loads of money. He’s also constantly worrying about the police, and the women in his life don’t take him very seriously.

He’s still personable, funny, and knows how to make himself look presentable. Those are skills he can use in many fields to be successful, but it takes recognizing them first.

After looking at your life you may still see nothing worth celebrating. Journal. At the end of each day write down a play-by-play of everything you did from waking up to lying down. Somewhere buried among the bathroom breaks and playing solitaire on the computer at work, you’ll find something you affected in a positive way. Maybe you held the door open on the elevator (courteous) or you walked home instead of hailing a cab (healthy choices, and adventurous).

Evaluate Your Interests

Anyone who has ever raised a puppy knows all about boredom, and destructive behavior. It may be your routine is driving you to create chaos, because inevitably chaos creates change.

If you cannot think of one good thing about yourself, Journaling can be quite effective. Logging your activity from day to day will eventually demonstrate a trait you have, or a skill you use, to positively affect yourself and those around you.

In Sight, In Mind

“Out of sight, Out of mind” is a powerful concept, and thankfully for you, the reverse is true. In life, you can’t see from the outside so are the results of our actions are the only things we have to go by. Putting proof in front of your eyes is a simple reinforcement that gets you used to feeling good about yourself.

Look in the mirror. What’s the first good thing you notice about your face? Say to yourself, “I really Like My _____.” You don’t have to write a poem about it, or publish a notice in the paper. No one else has to agree. This isn’t about what other people feel is important, remember? Just you.

Likewise, when you do something good during the day, be sure to write it down somewhere. Even if it is on an old envelope or post-it note, seeing it in print will reinforce it in your mind.

Redo your resume. Writing a resume can be a gut-wrenching experience for those with low self-confidence. They look at their paper and see so much white space. In order to land a better paying or more prestigious job, you’re going to have to examine your work history and note your major accomplishments. Laying them out in front of you makes for a powerful ego boost.

Talk to Your Friends

It’s embarrassing to think of telling your friends you’re working on your self-confidence. Depending on who they are, they might even tease you about it. That’s okay. You don’t need to come out and say it that way to get their opinion of you. All you need to do is talk through your favorite memories with them, and they’ll remind you of a hundred things you’ve already forgotten.